Soldier

Valley Forge, the land where thousands of soldiers collided and argued and broke out in battle. Being a soldier involves being physically fit and having muscles, both of which I do not have. Also, I am very good at quitting and some people say it isn’t good but I say it is. Besides being lazy, there are many reasons for quitting or never wanting to be a soldier. Many factors about my decision to become a part of the army come into play when deciding upon being a soldier such as cleanliness and health.

The first reason for quitting is on document A. Recorded in December 23, 1777 there was a total of 2,898 illnesses. Later in Febraury 1, 1778 there was a total of 3,989. With a high number of illnesses, there would be a higher chance of myself becoming sick. With the lack of food and other unhealthy scenerios, this could lead to death. In the time period of December and June, there was a total death estimate of 1,800 – 2,500.

The second reason is the document C article where Dr. Waldo described the events in the Continental Army to which many grew “sickly”. He describes it with “Poor food – hard lodging – cold weather – fatigue – nasty cloaths – nasty cookery…” Many of these unhealthy and harsh conditions could, in the end, lead to death. In “A Description of Valley Forge from the Diary of Joseph Plumb Martin”, he has claimed that he “…had to lie whole stormy, cold nights in a wood, on a field, or a bleak hill, with such blankets and other clothing like them, with nothing but the canopy of the heavens to cover me.” Sleeping in just the outside wilderness with just a thin layer of some linen and a blanket is not something comfortable or will help me get rested.

When joining the army, I am met with many difficulties of surviving. When joining, you become more prone to becoming sick and ill. When becoming ill, you have a higher chance of becoming dead. When joining the army, there are more chances of your body becoming weaker and prone to death. I would also not want to die due to a sickness but rather for fighting for my freedom. It seems as if there is a higher chance of death from weakness rather than being shot for standing up for what’s right.

Victorian literature superficial beauty is disapproved of, in this case Kitty; who represents the order of pre-war Edwardian England, an order destroyed by the war in the excuse of Chris’ illness. West swiftly moves the novel along as Chris slowly retrieves his memory; Kitty Is a very devoted wife who when realizing that Chris has forgotten her and is yearning another, she in turn feels empowered which makes him feel conflicted and confused. He finds comfort and confides in his cousin Jenny who is the first person narrator.

HIS shell-shock caused him to go fifteen years back In his memory, and to vive In a time where he was most content and In love with Margaret -? his ex love. It seems that as he retrieves his memory and the more he remembers, the more difficult it becomes for Kitty. The characteristics of shell shock prove it difficult for Margaret, Kitty, and Jenny to come to terms with. West’s portrayal of all three women is first person, as West writes of the relationship between Jenny (West herself), Kitty- the wife of Jenny’s cousin Chris, and Margaret, who was the love of Chris’ life before he went to war.

Jenny is portrayed in the novel as being quite poetic, In the sense that she’s very aware of her own environment and tauter as references are frequently used such as “in the old days a fat fist would certainly have been raised to point out the new translucent glories of the rose- buds” (P. II). From Jenny’s descriptive interpretations, such as this, it appears as though everything In her life is beautiful. However, as the novel develops we notice that these observations can also be quite dark. As with “because a lost Zeppelin sometimes clanks like a skeleton across the sky above us” (P. 5) and again with “All the inhabitants of this new tract of time were his enemies, all its circumstances his prison bars. ” (P. 62). It can be said Jenny’s prose was reflective of particular moods she was In during the course of the novel. Jenny Is presented as kind, caring, shrewd and quietly observant, yet wary, perhaps justifiably. Jenny sits in a quandary between FIFO near emotions toward K Ana Margaret. Consequently, seen Tints It problematic Ana resorts to oxymoron’s, such as “He wore a dreadful decent smile” (P. 187) referring to Chris when Margaret presents him with some of his son’s belongings.

In conclusion to the analysis of Jenny, she is the person in an awkward situation whereby she feels duty-bound to maintain the status-quo between the other parties. In other words, all she really wants is for everyone else to be happy regardless of her own feelings. Jenny as the narrator could be described as the keeper of everyone else’s secrets, the trustworthy and dependable character whom people could confide in. Kitty is the second woman in the novel who has a completely different character. Although she doesn’t come across as vain, Jenny never ceases to describe Kitty’s beauty and appearance.

Jenny doesn’t fully describe her own true feelings about Kitty which makes it difficult for the reader to fully analyses Kitty’s character. Early in Chapter One we are shown how Jenny portrays Kitty and how Jenny is treated by Kitty. It is apparent that Kitty is often quite demanding of Jenny, for example, “Come here, Jenny. I’m going to dry my hair” (P. 1 1), and on passing Jenny a tortoise-shell hairbrush, “Give it a brush now and then like a good soul. But be careful. Tortoise snaps so” (P. 12). Kitty almost treats Jenny like a servant, and Jenny is always accommodating.

There is no reference made to Kitty ever having done any work, although West makes a strong point about Chris’ father having acquired Baldly Court ND after his death Jenny informs us that Chris had Baldly Court re-built. Chris was more than financially capable of managing the property. Throughout the novel Kitty is portrayed by Jenny as being rather selfish, conceited, self-absorbed and contemptuous of the lower classes, which comes to the reader’s attention when Kitty encounters Margaret. Jenny herself first Judges Margaret by her appearance “Her body was long and round and shapely’ (P. 5) and “She was repulsively furred with neglect and poverty, as even a good glove that has dropped down behind a bed in a hotel and has lain undisturbed for a day or two” (P. 5) this represents the class difference but it seems it was Kitty’s influence on Jenny’s attitude that shaped Jenny’s opinion of Margaret at first glance. It’s apparent that Kitty is very superficial. Essentially Kitty couldn’t understand for the life of her why Chris would want to be with Margaret when such a pretty woman like herself was available for him.

The era has a lot to do with the novel, with regard to social status which was very prevalent at the time; a way in which social class is explored in the novel is through Margaret. Even though Margaret is first portrayed as a beggar in the novel instead of a sincere Oman with moral principles, Jenny assumed she was groveling and says “in which this woman butted like a clumsy animal at a gate she was not intelligent enough to open” (P. 31) here Margaret is compared to a dog, useless and inept.

Again we see an example of Kitty’s attitude towards who she considers to be of lower order where she says Mimi have read in the Harrow Observer or somewhere that my husband is at the front, and you have come to tell this story because you think that you will get some money. Vive read of such cases in the papers. ” (P. 33) consequently as a result of Kitty attitude, Jenny felt as indifferent towards Margaret as Kitty did. Margarita’s overall demeanor is one of a person who is polite, well-mannered, intelligent, caring, considerate and genuine.

As we know Margaret is married as with “l suppose I ought to say that he isn’t right in his head and I’m married-but Oh! ” (P. 95). As the novel develops we can see Tanat Margaret Is ten savior AT snarls Ana Trot ten Sleekness AT her heart goes out of her way to be of assistance in his recovery. The class difference is highlighted indirectly when Margaret says cried Margaret, glowing. “She just have a lovely nature” (P. 96) she had no malice towards Kitty even after Kitty treated her no differently to one of her servants in Baldly Court, and this in effect shows Margarita’s sincere nature.

Although all three women struggle to understand Chris’ predicament, Kitty was proven to be everything the reader interprets her to be, pompous with delusions of grandeur. Conversely, Jenny is the third party balancing between her cousin’s wife and his ex lover who innocently sets out to please everyone. Margaret inevitably is concerned for Chris’ health and recovery, and is the mediator at the end who suggests presenting Chris with belongings of his dead son, having lost a son herself of the same age as Oliver.

Kitty’s negative attitude persists through the novel but doesn’t affect Margaret. When the items of Chris’ dead son are shown to him by Margaret, his distant and cloudy outcome that has been created from his experiences of war suddenly disappear and he is “cured” of his amnesia and he returns to reality. Along with his recovered memory he puts Margaret in his past and now remembers Kitty as his wife so in turn the emotional interactions of characters in the story change. The irony is that all three women lost a person that they each Ovid in different ways.

Keith Douglas Unary 24, 1920 – June 9, 1944), was an English poet who is known for his war poetry during World War II. Undeniably after reading The Complete Poems I get the impression that he has a negative attitude towards women. Additionally from researching his early days it is apparent that his mother struggled financially, and there is no mention of his father. I personally think that after reading about his ex partner Whinnying who refused to take his hand in marriage, and his failed relationship with Millennia Guttered Penny, may well have distorted his view of women which is sometimes reflected in his poetry.

A reference to this assumption can be found in the poem ‘Cairo Jag’ whereby Douglas is in a brothel and the poem opens with the line, “Shall I get drunk or cut myself a piece of cake”. His use of the term “piece of cake” in reference to the prostitutes around him adds to his obvious misogyny. He seems to suggest that women are deluded in thinking they are something they’re not and uses very negative language towards them such as the women he sees on the streets of Cairo, “The women offering their children brown- paper breasts dry and twisted, elongated like the skull, Holiness’s signature.

At this point the poem sounds more like a rant, as if Douglas is disgusted rather than sympathetic for these women in such a state of poverty. The portrayal of women or in this case “woman” in an Egyptian Tea Garden, firstly she is seen as a fish. It is said the fish represents Christianity, and that different fish symbolism different things, but the fish in general holds a range of different symbolic meanings including femininity, eternity, happiness, creativity and knowledge. This is the essence of the poem; the fish is how the woman is presented. The poem is about a Dialectal woman Ana near power to seduce Ana annulated men AT any age.

Douglas appears to be trying to demonstrate that woman have power too; The author uses metaphors and similes by comparing the woman “as a white stone” which represents purity, and men as fish “A cotton magnate/… A crustacean” to show how man’s behavior is like that of any other animal species or as conventional as fish. The poem could be arranged into four segments. The first stanza introduces the “sly’ woman and her purposeful position as “she draws down the fish”. Douglas describes the woman moving along into section two it is clear that it describes the witnesses which are men, and section three discloses which man she picks.

The first section of the poem has a reasonably gentle tone which is maintained through the whole poem, describing a very beautiful woman. The second stanza introduces the second speaker of the poem which is the most “important fish”. Part two is sarcastic but natural, mixing the duties of the male with oceanic life. The third stanza introduces the men who gaze on the woman’s beauty. It has a very strong, bitter undertone. It shows the woman is concerned with the wealth of the man she chooses rather than is beauty or personal qualities.

The fourth stanza switches back to the original speaker of the poem and concludes the woman’s choice to which one of the men she chooses or does not choose. The manner of the poem varies in the different sections and begins with a most intriguing title- “Behavior of Fish in an Egyptian Tea-Garden” which sounds somewhat like a documentary and quite disconnected, dry, cold and formal. The tone of the poem is interesting throughout, Douglas uses soft and delicate language in the first section, it consists of seven stanzas of four lines each.

Lately we have studied two poems that were written during the time of World War One. They were ‘The Soldier’ written by Rupert Brooke and ‘Anthem for Doomed Youth’ written by Wilfred Owen. Both of these poets were soldiers involved in fighting during World War One.

‘The Soldier’ is an uplifting and optimistic poem looking at the positive side of dying for your country when going to war. I think the poet Rupert Brooke wrote the poem to send home to his family to reassure them if he died it would be peacefully and not in pain.

In the first stanza Brooke is saying that if he dies while away in this foreign country, that he’ll leave a part of England there. The following quotation is an example that he is English through-and-through:

“A dust whom England bore, shaped, made aware,

Gave, once, her flowers to love, her ways to roam.”

He was born and brought up with a certain kind of English lifestyle and culture. He then goes on to describe the flowers and winding paths making us think of England as idyllic and peaceful. He uses personification in the first line of the quote. It compares England to a woman giving birth to a child and bringing it up.

In the second stanza Brooke describes England as a country of no evil and that he will remember it forever, he’ll always have happy memories from the past when he lived in England. Some of the best memories being times he’s spent with the people he loved. The final line in stanza two is:

“In hearts at peace, under an English heaven.”

This conveys that England has shaped him into who he is and he is proud of it.

‘The Soldier’ is a sonnet. A sonnet is a 14-line poem used to express personal feelings. His choice of words describe his personal feelings as well. These words all add reassurance to the poet’s relatives that if he dies, it will be peaceful. Examples of the words used to describe the peacefulness are: “blest, dream, gentleness, peace and heaven”.

One of the main features that the poet uses in this in this poem is repetition. The most widely used word that the poet uses repeatedly is ‘England’ and ‘English’ adding to the patriotism and significance that England has to him it isn’t just a place it represents a culture and a set of values as well.

The structure of the poem is that it has two verses and 14 lines in total. The rhyming scheme is-

A B A B C D C D – E F G E F G

Each letter represents a line, two lines with the same letter means that it rhymes.

Brooke uses alliteration, the consonant that is being repeated is an ‘f’, it is a soft sound yet again showing calmness and peacefulness:

“That there’s some corner of a foreign field

That is forever England.”

Other alliteration such as:

“Her sights and sounds”, “Dream happy as day”, And, laughter, learnt of friends”.

All these show how the poet feels about the possibility of his death. He is optimistic and knows he is prepared to die fighting for his country.

The other poem ‘Anthem for Doomed Youth’ written by Wilfred Owen is also a sonnet. ‘Doomed youth’ mean all those young men to be sent to war and on the front are destined to die. In the poem the poet expresses his views on what should happen to these people when they die. They all should be given a funeral and a proper send off, even those on the battlefield. You can tell this because throughout the poem he mentions funerals and church services.

The first stanza suggests the horror of death and how they compare these men to animals

” For those who die as cattle.”

There deaths have been brutal and violent. The first stanza demonstrate this, it is full of noise and violence to show the pandemonium of the battle compared to the funeral they would have had at home and how it differs:

“No prayers, bells, nor any voice of mourning save the choirs”

The second stanza is more peaceful and shows the grief of the relatives when they find out what’s happened and in the second stanza it looks at the kind of send off they would have had if they had been at home. It uses words such as ‘candles’, ‘hands of boys’, ‘their pall’, ‘holy glimmers of goodbyes’ and ‘flowers’ all things that are related to a church service. The final line of this poem depicts the morning of the soldier’s relatives:

“And each slow dusk a drawing-down of blinds.”

When a death occurred during this period the families who had lost people they loved, closed the blinds to show their sadness and to keep the rest of the world out. In this case the consonant being repeated is ‘D’. D is a harsh sound stressing the relatives coping with losing a loved one.

This poem is also a sonnet it shows personal feeling of what the poet though about not getting a proper send off.

The rhyming scheme is-

A B A B C D C D – E F F E G G

The poem ends with a rhyming couplet that means the last two lines rhyme.

In the first stanza the poet uses onomatopoeia to demonstrate the sound on the battlefield:

“Only the stuttering rifles rapid rattle”

It is also an example of alliteration.

This poem is against war and the inappropriate way these men have lost their lives. The general mood of he poem is anger and sadness. Anger because the young men died unnecessarily without having much of a life and sadness because all these people are dying needlessly and others are mourning because of this.

‘The Soldier’ and ‘Anthem for Doomed Youth’ are both sonnets with two stanza and 14 lines but both poem are completely different in their take of the same situation.

In “Soldier X,” by Don Wulffson, lies a boy who was drafted into the German army at age 15. His birth name was Erik Brandt, but after his second battle in Russia, he switched his clothes with a Russian Soldier to stay alive. When he entered the enemy lines, he was known to others as Aleksandr Dukhanov, serial number K487944. Two Hundred Twentieth Armored Division. But, he hated being called that. So, Nikolai Mikhailovich, his friend (the injured man who lost both of his legs and was the patient right next to X), came up with a new name for him. X. He meets nurses named Tamara, Katrina, and Zoya. There was a mental patient, who pretended to be the hospital’s only guard was named, Sergio.

When the Germans attack the hospital’s town, all the patients, doctors, and nurses try to escape to another field hospital. But, as the trucks left, Katrina was shot. X, Tamara, Zoya, and Sergio were knocked out of the truck. They ran. But, Zoya died along the way. Then, later on, Sergio was shot by a German. X and Tamara, continued on their journey, making friends and making enemies. The journey they take is their only way to find their freedoms. First, does war bring out the best in some people and the worst in others? Yes, war does bring out the best in people. When a bomb might’ve exploded a building, some people might run in and see if there is anybody still alive and help them. But, that doesn’t mean war doesn’t bring the worst in people either.

People react to war in different ways. Some might react the right way and become better people then they were before. Or they might react in the wrong way and become a horrible person then they were before. When in war, soldiers might fight for the right thing and some might fight for the wrong thing. Some soldiers might fight for what they love. Their families and friends or the people who love them back. Or they fight for themselves. Not thinking of others in any way. Sometimes people could change for the better. Or sometimes people could change for the worse.

In “Soldier X”, when Tamara and X were injured from escaping the hospital attack, they walked for days. They went up to a house and the father wouldn’t help them, but their daughter gave bread and apples to them. Then when the got to a town Klatovy, Czechoslovakia, a car went by. They asked for help and the lady named, Elena Novak let them stay in her home until her hometown was attacked by the Russians and the Germans. She gave the food, water and a place to sleep.

A quote to support my thinking is, “Tamara got to her feet. She was bone-thin, pale, and wheezing. ‘You’re ill,” said the women in her sort of lilting German. I leaned forward, down to the open window. ‘Please help us,’ I said. ‘We are so tired and hungry and we can’t think straight anymore.’ ‘Who are you?’ ‘We are from a medical unit,’ I answered. ‘I don’t know where any of the others are. I think most of them are dead.’ Little blue eyes in a big pink face looked us over. Gear shifted raggedly. ‘Well, we can’t have you dead, too!’ she said. ‘Come, come. Get in the car.’ We got in.” (p.176-p.177) Even though there was a war going on around Elena Novak’s home, she still gave others a home as well. Even though she didn’t know X or Tamara, she still knew that it was the right thing to do. The right thing to do was help them. In the beginning of the book, after X and the other German soldiers were defeated by the Russians, Russian soldiers would go and stab either the dead or wounded of the enemy. Making sure that the Germans were dead. A quote from the book to support my thinking, “I heard someone pleading in German—then another shot. I belly-crawled a half meter and peered out. What I saw sickened me and terrified me. A Russian officer was methodically seeking out the German wounded and shooting them. A lumbering oaf of a foot soldier, using a bayonet, was dispatching other Germans.

He seemed to be enjoying what he was doing. And many of those he was bayoneting looked already dead; he was just making sure.” (p. 74)When X was in the hospital, X met a blurring friend named Nikolai. Nikolai later lost both of his legs. He was like the father X never had. When X left the hospital, he left his father-figure behind. X also met two nurses who were his friends. Katrina and Zoya. They were the ones who let Tamara stay in their house. When they were killed, those were the pieces of Tamara that she could never forget. Sergio, the pretend guard of the hospital made it out of the Hospital attack but was killed by a German during their journey. Even though in his mind he was gone, he still had good intentions in helping X and Tamara survive. Elena, who gave them a place to call home for a few days was the person who really made the impact on their journey. If X and Tamara hadn’t met Elena, they probably wouldn’t have completed their journey to their freedoms. But, they also met a blurring enemy. Before they met Elena, they needed food and water. So, when they were in line.

Today Is July 4th 1863, the day after the battle ended. Brother Bob and myself fought bravely under Confederate General Robert E. Lee. At the start of the whole thing we were quite confident in our ability to win due to the astounding victory at the Battle of Chancellorsville, Virginia, in May 1863.

We all felt extremely good in the direction this was heading, as General Lee only intended to collect supplies from Pennsylvania farmland He also believed that we needed to leave poor Virginia alone, as the majority of the fighting had ccurred there already, Us Confederates only wanted to threaten those Yankees. stop everybody wanting to fight, but most importantly, win a battle on Yankee soil. That would teach them to respect our Southern pride and traditions. l, personally, dont necessarily want to be fighting all these other good men, but my Southern culture is being threatened.

Surely you understand that Aunt Caroline. No one wants their lifestyle to be taken away from them. Anyway Aunt Caroline, let me tell you all about the fighting. We started ott Northwest ot the city ot Gettysburg, Pennsylvania on July 1st. s confederates were fighting with 30,000 men and we had the Yankees outnumbered by 10,000. we were able to defeat them the first day although we werent so lucky for the rest. On the 2nd day of fighting, the union army brought 90,000 men to fight our 70,000 confederates.

The fighting seemed to stay back and forth all of the 2nd day but I believe that the union army still had the upper hand on us at the end of the day. On the 3rd day of fighting we were atop Culp’s Hill ready to fight those Yankees! General Lee came up with the plan to charge the center of the union line on Cemetary Ridge with 12. 00 Confederate men. This attempt was destroyed by union rifle and artillery fire. and we took great losses to our Confederate army. Lee led our army on a torturous retreat back to Virginia.

Everyone is guessing that around 51,000 men from both sides died in the past few days here. I’m so very thankful that myself and Brother Bob made it through the fighting easily. The only unfortunate thing is that I managed to stub my toe during the night and now have quite the nasty bruise. I cant wait to get home to everyone soon Aunt Caroline, but please pass on the message that everyone is safe. Wth Love, Jimmy imagine you are a southern soldier By annachristinelee Things were rough here at the battle of Gettysburg.

Today is July 4th 1863, the day Lee only intended to collect supplies from Pennsylvania farmland. He also believed occurred there already. Us Confederates only wanted to threaten those Yankees, stop everybody wanting to fght, but most importantly, win a battle on Yankee soil. That would teach them to respect our Southern pride and traditions. l, personally, don’t necessarily want to be fghting all these other good men, but my Southern culture is ifestyle to be taken away from them. Anyway Aunt Caroline, let me tell you all about the fghting.

We started off Northwest of the city of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania on July 1st. Us confederates were fighting with 30,000 men and we had the Yankees outnumbered by 10,000. We were able to defeat them the first day although we weren’t so lucky for the rest. On the 2nd day of fighting, the Union army brought 90,000 men to fight our 70,000 confederates. The fghting seemed to stay back and forth all of the 2nd day but I believe that the Union army still had the upper hand on s at the end of the day.

On the 3rd day of fghting we were atop Culp’s Hill ready to fght those Yankees! General Lee came up with the plan to charge the center of the Union line on Cemetary Ridge with 12,000 Confederate men. This attempt was destroyed by Union rifle and artillery fire, and we took great losses to our Confederate unfortunate thing is that I managed to stub my toe during the night and now I have quite the nasty bruise. I can’t wait to get home to everyone soon Aunt Caroline, but please pass on the message that everyone is safe.

Pyeong G. Lim Dr. Christian History 1305 March 21, 2013 Summary of “Foot Soldiers of the Revolutionary Army” In the essay “Foot Soldiers of the Revolutionary Army” by Gary B. Nash, the authors of the book tell of a Private Joseph Plumb Martin that kept a diary that details the life and hardships that the soldiers endured. Martin writes, “The army was now not only starved but naked. The greatest part were not only shirtless and barefoot but destitute of all other clothing, especially blankets. (Gary Nash 124) The blacks were involved given the chance to receive freedom, which did not follow through completely. Although the colonies needed men for the army, these two simple sentences exposed the truth that people didn’t know at the time and even now. The leadership of the army knew this would be the case, which is the main reason that the terms of enlistment were so short during the war unlike the minimal 8 years contract in the army now.

Although the life in the army improved the soldiers had to endure such environment as, “shivering with cold upon bare floors without a blanket to cover them, calling for fire, for water, for suitable food, and for medicines- calling in vain. ” Having to withstand all these misfortune, the soldiers were anything but humble in their conception of rights. The soldiers warned the generals of desertion if they were not properly taken care of, so the “severest Punishment” was placed to counter threat the soldiers.

However, this did not last as “even in Washington’s handpicked Life Guard, eight soldiers deserted during the war. ” As the war dragged out, eventually, Washington reopened the Continental army to free blacks with congressional approval. Slaves were still forbidden, yet five hundred free black men served in the war. It started with Massachusetts than to Rhode Island. Even with the blacks joining, Mother Nature did not see lightly of them, “By early 1778, the regiments were close to disintegration, their pay in arrears, uniforms tattered, and ranks thinned by disease. In February, all blacks were able to join the army with the consent of their owners in exchange for freedom. The white men found this proposal too good to turn down since the slaves would relieve them of army duty. The war continued with victory earned by the “Black Regiement who stromed through the moat and heavily fortified redoubts. ” White men and blacks had hardship through out the war, but above all, despite all the blacks who were involved in the war, “only one third of the former slaves survived to taste freedom as civilians. ”

I am holding a gun to my head. On the verge of death I look back at how it escalated to this to convince not to make the wrong choice as I had done before. That memory among many other dark ones remained as clear as see through water. Five years ago… Sierra Dianas. Thoughts flooded my mind as I clutched the gun harder and harder. I faced an atrocious, inescapable decision. A war befell in my head, a death match between my consciousness and my fear. As one callously stabbed the other, the tip of my finger pressed harder against the trigger.

Time was ticking. I shut my eyes as I hoped to disconnect the vision of a girl slouched in front of me, so defenceless yet so fearless. Her face wasn’t completely visible but judging by her figure she was no more then 15. She showed no fright, demonstrating her disgust towards bowing down to the rebels: she remained her posture straight and her head help up high. She looked down upon us even though she was the one on the floor. Her face captured complete hatred. Her attempts to resist were hopeless as two older men forced her down onto the ground.

Her arms were tied behind her back so any chance of action towards escape was restricted. I bit my battered lip to remind myself of what I face if I disobey my master’s orders again: agonizing inexorable pain. I pressed harder against the trigger. My vision started to blur and lose its focus and my swollen eyelids did not help. I tried to slay these monstrous thoughts invading my brain, telling me to shoot her and spare myself the pain. I pressed harder. I tried to stop devilish thoughts terrorising my brain with illusionary words but no success: l pressed harder.

My consciousness whispered in my ear but the demon inside my soul drowned it heartlessly in my homesick sorrow. The silence waited to be heard. I pressed harder. The trigger clicked. A loud profound bang pierced through the air as the bullet fired cogently. I could hear my sanity slip away, all in the space of a millisecond. Regret and notoriety backfired at me as I saw my childhood flash by me; I shot her. I could almost hear her pulse drain as she gasped for air. Another life wasted. Her blood leaked.

My demons smothered in a pool of dark red and danced in murderous pride as my master gave me a smirk of praise but behind it hid the look of mutual remorseful experience. That night I was ranked the chief of other child soldiers for my righteous decision or in other words for being heartless enough to kill another of my own race; it would serve them well in the war. In a way I feel as if seeing us become monsters soothes their guilt. It made them less lonely. Even monsters need company. You would think killing again would ease the pain. Think again.

Every time it doubled, magnified, intensified, and deepened until the peak where it was unbearable: living with these mental images and mind overflowing with blood. Every fibre of my body grieved for the dead and me: the dyeing. I was chained to the everlasting circles of depression unable to experience happiness. Everywhere I went the sun followed me with a hateful glare cursed me silently. I almost melted in his heavy breaths. He launched tense fireballs at me boiling with rage and disappointment, wishing to suffocate me. The sky spit at me in disgrace and shame.

The clouds demanded to show me how many tears were cried for the people I have killed. Every rain drop was a reminder of my failure and cowardness. It fell on my skin, ice cold, yet again reminding me of what my heart was bound to become. The sound as they continuously hit the flour resembled a fire’s blazing sparkles. The wind slapped me across my face over and over again. It whispered in my ear. So quit yet such poignant stabbing accusations. It broke into my hut and overawed my body with needle-like numbness from the shuddering chill.

The whispers grew into exasperating screams until I could not sleep. It slammed doors and raised the sand from the ground, commanding it to attack me. Stop! I wanted it to stop! No more torture. I fell hopelessly upon my knees and screamed at the top of my lungs, begging god for help, for forgiveness. ‘Have I gone mad? ’ –  I asked the clear blue staring back at me blankly. I repeated the phrase over and over again until my defenceless sobs and weeps merged the words. I could not stop crying. I clutched the soil between my fingers for some feeling of control as if to grasp hold of myself.

The salty tears kept rolling and as they came in contact with my torn, scared skin a shiver of sharp pain would emerge. God didn’t reply. God wasn’t there. Only the devil. I asked him what I should do and the answer was simple: stop caring. Let myself be tamed by the evil because the good can never be happy. He stretched out a hand to me but as I reached it for help to get up I simultaneously shook it as an agreement to a deal. I sold my soul. The next morning I woke up with the feeling of enlightenment. I killed people with no remorse, no guilt, no regret nothing except the feeling of power.

I fed on it and I breathed it in with the stench of the dead. It felt good. For a moment I felt almost happy in an illusionary way, as a smoked in the white power-like substance, which my master had let me share with him as a sign of approvement as if welcoming me. To what, I wasn’t sure. That night I danced with a bottle of alcohol in the middle of a fire we set to the village. I trod on dead bodies or some even alive but eventually they would be dead, they couldn’t escape. I raped countless women. Daughters, maybe sisters, maybe mothers, who cares?

Not the puppets on the other side of the world, that’s for sure; drinking their coffees and stirring their teas, with their diamond necklaces worn as a ‘fashion statement’ because it resembles the one worn by a celebrity. Completely oblivious. Most of them incapable of doing anything other than follow footsteps. We, however, refused to follow or live in someone else’s master plan. That’s why we’re called rebels. The rebels. Our motto was to join us or die. If we didn’t see much use in then it was die or die more painfully (it mostly came down to our mood). We declared war with authorities because they had power et we still suffered in hunger, poverty and disease. This was if we were willing to perform back-breaking labour for the rest of our lives. Otherwise death would catch up on you in days, if you’re lucky you might last a year maximum. It seemed as if the government was not based on democracy but rather the fear of death. The devils reign over my mind lasted for a long time or more perceptively it lasted over 1000 deaths by my own hands until the blood dried underneath my finger nails was would not wash away. The only way out of this mad world is death. Now is the time. Now.