How many of you love cats and would like one?

I hope this speech will help you become sane and understand the craftiness in a feline. But for those who already own one I am sorry but all hope has been lost.

I am here to talk to you about a club that I am truly committed to. It is called CHOW. I doubt many of you have ever heard of it but it stands for Cat. Haters. Of. The. World.

Cats are the most selfish, evil eyed, greedy, filthy things in the world.

What do you think cats are sitting around lazing around for? They are coming up with ideas on how to trick the owner and steal food if not how to kill Barack Obama and become the first evil eyed monster to become the president and who would be the first lady.

They are cunning creatures who think they own the world. Well let me tell you now; they don’t. Have you ever endured the aggravation that is given by a cat when it imitates what you do? Well I have done so many times seeing as there are about sixteen cats in the awful household next door no wait the parasites have also invaded my doorstep and under my dad’s car, my garage and my roof.

I mean these killers have left their fresh kill under our porch doormat to stop it being taken away by my old neighbour. The squeaking and the squishy, mushy feeling that is created on every step taken by myself isn’t pleasant seeing as two weeks later my sister had revealed the horrors of the dark side that lay beneath our door mat. It will never be normal again. Having seen all that sticky oozy blood I can never step foot on that step ever again.

Surely an old man of about ninety years old should be caring for his own health than his devil cats. Has he not discovered the real truth behind these supposedly “cute babies”. Approximately seventy percent of the Earth sees the reality behind the black fur and the huge eye sockets with coloured eyes.

Some may say I have missed the fact that they do not harm, yet have you realised that they are in fact associated with witches. In fact there is a black cat who tries to pounce at me every time I try to throw a bag at it. As you may or not know I throw like a chicken so I don’t really understand what the cat tries to do but I can tell you that it is not normal. Don’t worry I have checked to make sure that no one is watching.

It does not help that I am allergic to them but their really big eyes scare me. Once upon a time in a house in a town called Wembley, I watching TV and eating chips when an overweight obscure tomcat came and sat on the same scarlet coloured sofa as me. I had not realised until my sister had went into the dining room screaming.

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