My Hobby Is Listening to Music Because Music Is Medicine for the Soul
Everyone feels insecure at times, but what I felt was this fear that people were always judging me. It felt as if my fourteen year old self was giving people a reason to judge- the wired brackets that stuck to my crooked teeth or the way my cheeks rounded my face. Sometimes this fear has stopped me from doing things that I wanted to do and try because I was so afraid of what my peers would think of me. It was an autumn day. The weather was far from the blazing summer heat, but not yet close to the chilling winter air. My older sister had picked me up from another long day at school. As we sat in the car on the way home, the windows rolled down while the sun streamed in, she turned on her playlist to drown out the sound of the engine.
Although it was in Korean and I had no clue as to what they were saying, the way they sang and how the rhythm flowed so nicely automatically won me over. She noticed the way that I tapped my fingers to the beat that she told me that I should listen to more of their, BTS’s, music. We arrived home and as soon as I went to my room, I plugged in my headphones and played the first song that came up on the search, titled “No More Dream” (BTS). Listening to them was like a breath of fresh air.
The music filled my ears as I sat at my desk, the lively and upbeat tempo subconsciously making my head bop. Looking up the lyric translations as I listened a second time, one line stood out to me, “[translated] What is the you that you’ve dreamed of? Who do you see in the mirror? I gotta say go on your path, even if you live for a day, do something, put away your weakness” (BTS). It was as if a light went off in my head- to set aside my own weaknesses in order to live my best life without feeling insecure or ashamed of myself. I did not want to look at my reflection and see someone who is unhappy due to my insecurities. I wanted to start off my high school career without having any doubts or regrets, and this song helped me open my eyes and realize. Although I still feel insecure at times, this song has helped me love and appreciate myself a little more, especially throughout high school.
Music is a way for people to escape, especially during times of loss and grief. Imagine another ordinary day turning to one of the worst in just a matter of seconds. I remember it like it had just happened yesterday. It was a Friday afternoon and although the sun was at its peak, the brisk air still managed to nip at my nose. I sat with my group of friends during lunch, feeling comfort in our conversations about our plans for the weekend until I got a text from my dad. It read, “I’m picking you up early today, come to the front of the school to be dismissed.” Confused, I gathered my things and walked to the office to be excused for the rest of the day. The crunching of the paved road was the only thing heard as we walked back to the car. The silence was deafening, until it broke with him saying, “We received a call from the Philippines.”
Automatically, I knew it had something to do with my grandpa because he was the only person that I knew that was living there. He continued and said, “He passed away just a couple hours ago.” Suddenly the air around me wasn’t so comforting. I was in distraught and in complete and utter shock on the ride home. Entering my house and hearing the sounds of my mothers sobs broke me even more. A few weeks had already passed and I still felt saddened by what was now just a memory, but one BTS song titled “Spring Day” helped me cope with the grief. The sweet melody captured my thoughts and the meaning helped me sought recollection. The opening line sang “[translated] I miss you” (BTS). As one member sang and repeated the phrase, more layers of instrumentals came in, a sort of raindrop pattern. They sang as if they were telling me a story.
I felt the lines flow smoothly, like a conversation between friends finishing each others’ sentences. It was achingly familiar to the situation I was in. There is a part in the song where they sing, “[translated] Past the end of this cold winter, Until the spring comes again, Until the flowers bloom again” (BTS). Listening to this song has helped me realize that even though I am still going through this “cold winter” (BTS) that has left me with feelings of loss and grief, there is always an end to it just as there is always an end to the winter season. BTS describe in the song how there is a light and warmness that inevitably comes where they say, “[translated] No darkness, no season, is forever.” (BTS). This song gives me the reassurance of hope and resolution. A beginning to an end.
I often questioned myself about the future and it’s scary to think about as the future for me still remains unclear. I have many doubts and worries. Growing up, I was raised under my parent’s expectations. I was always under the constant pressure of trying to satisfy them with every little thing I do in order to make them proud. All I want is to make my parents happy, but I realized I also want to satisfy my own personal happiness. It was a frustrating back-and-forth dilemma that would continuously run through my mind each time I would make a decision- “would they be fine with this?” or “is this good enough for them?” As I sat at my desk filling out my college applications of my junior year, I was feeling stressed and anxious. I fidgeted in my seat while staring at the computer screen before me. While deciding on a major, I felt conflicted on what I truly wanted. During this time, I turned to music as it helped me identify with who I am and wanted to become.
In BTS’s song “Lost” they sing, “[translated] is this path right for me, I am confused” (BTS). I felt that the lyrics really related to my whole thinking process when trying to decide what I wanted to become. It’s one of those songs that seems to be able to vocalize my worries and uncertainties of the future and it did a wonderful job doing so. After listening and understanding this song, I learned to realize that this frustration comes with figuring out my path, just as they sing “[translated] There is a reason for all this frustration” (BTS). I learned that it’s hard to face the reality of having to choose something that will affect the rest of my life. Thinking to myself, “What if I regret it later?” These “what if’s” situations stop me from living my dreams. Even though growing up and becoming an adult is inevitable, I will be able to push through and it will be alright no matter the career path I choose.
Sometimes music is the only thing that can keep me company. There was a time in my life where I felt that I had no one to talk to and that I was alone in my struggles because I was ashamed of them. Waking up in the morning, the same routine playing over and over again- getting ready, going to school, then coming back home to do it all over again. It seemed as if the beautiful spring weather was just an illusion in my eyes, instead a dense cloud over my head waiting and ready to pour any minute. Listening to BTS song “You Never Walk Alone” I really learned that I’m not actually alone in situations where I felt helpless and that there is someone that I could talk to. They sing, ‘Though it’s hard and it hurts, If I can fly, I will fly” (BTS). There comes this point, this realization, where I saw that I am not the only person who felt alone in this world. I have family members or friends that felt that way.
I recognize that there could have been someone else in the world feeling that way too. Trying to analyze the importance as to why being with friends and family could help me regain the motivation, being sociable with others could help cope with what you are going through. And suddenly, maybe, I wasn’t so lonely. It helped me learn to understand that it might not fix it right away, but it definitely gave me a sense of lightness to the situation that something good can come out of it.
