Questions in a Little Dark Corner

“Who are you? Is this me? Why can’t I recognize myself?” those questions have always been around me in the pass few years that I have hided myself in a little dark corner. I have asked the same questions to myself over and over again, but when can I get an answer? I’ve only got more and more questions come out through my mind. I don’t know where they came from, I don’t what to say, and I don’t know what to do, but cry, in a little dark corner.

I started to ask those questions when I came to America. I don’t know why, but I do know this have never happened to me before. Back in Taiwan, I was known as a cute little girl that likes to play a lot, many adult loves me by make them happy. I know I have come from a beautiful little island, which we all called Taiwan. I never thought about going anywhere outside of this country, until my father has already decided to start a new adventure at America. He thinks this is a good opportunity for us to see outside of the world, and learn something new form the out side world. But are you sure this is a right thing to do? Nobody knows, not even myself.

I have no idea what’s like to be apart from my country, I just know I’m following my dad’s order, and go on to the airplane just as he tell me to. I only know few words in English, like “hello” and “good bye”, or the most important one “bathroom”. I still remember when we came down from the airplane, we were lost in the airport, since my older sister have the best English out of all of us, my father tried to convince her to ask direction for us, but still she is also have never talk to any American before, therefore we are all dislike to talk to anyone.

But we still need direction for our way out, and then we have the idea to use paper-rock-scissor to decide who will be the one asking direction for us. This “paper-rock-scissor” thing has happen through out the whole first year that we came to America. Even we have already been practiced talking to native speakers, I don’t know why I still didn’t see any improvement of my English skill, and I’m the only one still on the same spot as I came to America.

I have never liked to talk to any American; I know if I don’t talk my English skill will never get better, but what can I do? I can’t, just can’t, I’m afraid to make any mistakes or see other people make joke out of me, I don’t want to make fun of myself and let people laugh at my face. I don’t know what to do, what can I do?

At the school, because of my “afraid”, I didn’t talk to any other students; therefore I didn’t have any friend. Everyone think I’m weird, no one likes to talk to me, and there are even have some classmate thought I’m one of the “special kid”; they don’t like me, and I don’t like them, I’m all alone. But is this what I really want? No, I do not want my life continue like this. I want to make some friends, be part of them, have some laugh with, and be happy. Don’t walk away from me, don’t turn your face away, look at me and talk to me, be friend with me, but how? I keep asking myself to speak, to talk, just open my mouth, but why can’t I do it? Why? I ask myself in a dark corner.

After one year, when I know we are moving, and I was going to transfer to another school, I was so happy; I thought I can make up my stupid mistake, and make some friends this time. By the time before the first day to my new school, I was teaching myself how to introduce myself to other classmates in front of my bathroom mirror, think that I can actually make some friend on my own. I was very happy; I thought I don’t need my little corner any more.

But I was wrong. I didn’t make up any of my mistakes, I have done it again. When I saw other students came to me, my mouth immediately closed up, and I only stand there and watch them walk pass through me one by one. I hate myself, hate that couldn’t speak, hate why can’t I just do it, and make some friends. I’m back in the little dark corner, I said to myself everyday, to talk, to speak, to make friend, but I never did it, I can’t, not even I wanted to, my mouth just won’t work. What can I do? I keep asking myself the same question again and again.

Two years have passed my sister and my brother has getting better and butter in English, and they have make all kinds of friends, only I haven’t change much, and still no friend for me. High school is getting closer and closer, only few mouth left, I know what I need to do, I know what I should do, but can I do it? I keep practicing my little speech to myself, will I make friends? Will I open my mouth? I don’t know, but I will try. I will try anything to get out of the little dark corner.

Now I’m a high school student, the little dark corner is getting smaller and smaller; I have friends now, and I even have by “BFF”, and I’ll continue to make more friends. I do not need my corner anymore. But still, I will like to become more open like what I use to be, the happy little girl who always have a nice smile on the face, and make everyone laugh all the time. Even I’m not a little girl anymore, to be happy or sad, I’m still me, I may change over time, but I am still here. This is the new me, to get stronger and stronger, to help other get out of the little dark corner.