The Door Slammed Shut, Never to Be Opened Again
The Priest finished off his final words, I tried to savor them knowing that after today I wanted to forget it all; not because I didn’t care, it was quite the opposite actually! It’s just that I know it would be what she wanted. As much as I tried and begged she kept flooding my mind, it’s impossible to throw something like this over your shoulder and ignore the remnants of the past. The blackness of the day contrasted with the overwhelming sunshine and broken heat waves.
It was all too much and now at least the worst part was over, I took my last and final glance to the beautiful hand carved woodwork, standard size, polished frame, finished with gold hinges and large metallic black buckles. The coffin stood. The walk back to the car was a rush of images and an overpowering sensation of memories driven into my mind like the intricate bodywork on the stunning 1996 Rolls Royce that was driven by my chauffer, I couldn’t think about anything else but that one awful night. That one night that changed my life.
Forever. The car ride wasn’t much better the same commotions pounding the walls of my weakened cranium. I placed my hands at either temple and continually pressed harder and harder until it was painful and the pictures in my head were drowning with the pressure of my unlawful grasp. I saw the chauffer glance once or twice back at me through his rear view mirror but that was not any where near a priority of mine. Innocent white blotches stained my face as blood slowly brought colour back to my facade.
I grabbed the cold shiny metal handle and much too roughly pushed it down to me set me free, all my body leapt out unwillingly as the door swung wide open uncontrollably, releasing me into the pavements merciless lure. My head whipped the grey concrete slabs with an overwhelming impact that destroyed my senses and put me in a deep darkness. I awoke to find a spinning ceiling fun unstably rocking back and forth above my head. I closed my eyes hoping to dissolve back into the safe hands of arkness where all my worries were beautifully decapitated and I with everything else was nothing! But it was useless, once again she swamped my mind and my eyes watered. I see myself as a kid happy and safe, we both standing there as a team side-by-side. We were in Argentina and the beautiful Andes consumed most of my hazy image. She hugs me and I smile and laugh, in her eyes were untainted love and looking into them I felt that I wouldn’t ever be lonesome, she made my petty little worries disappear and if only she was here now.
I would tell her how much I love her! My eyes opened and simultaneously a tear ran down the side of my face. I miss her and I can’t help but think about her. It feels like its been years since her loving eyes stared straight into mine. I kept telling myself that I have to resist and tire my mind, but the more I tried the more I thought of her. I slowly got off the couch and looked around, this was the first time I’ve been back home since it happened. My partial-completed memory of the tragedy was over-whelming me; it was like I was spinning in a never-ending vortex.
I took three steps into the kitchen and let out a cry, they hadn’t even cleaned up. I ran back and stopped at the foot of the staircase. I took my first step, step one; I was worried. She swamped my head I was just… just… I can’t but I needed to. I took it one step at a time and gradually I progressed up and up, until I reached the final step before the landing. And. I look around knowing that this last step will punish me, but I must… but what if… and I stopped myself knowing that no good can come of thinking too much. The memories were still tormenting my mind.
I lift my trembling leg and placed it on the landing as if the floor was made out of paper I clenched the banister and lifted my other foot. I gave in and released my entire weight upon this drowsy mission I set myself not knowing what good can possibly occur. I turned my body to the left and saw the door ajar. This is where she used to work peacefully in the next room, quietly and delicately, innocently and lovingly, she, and I. Side-by-side. I walked the length of the corridor. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. To go inside. I knew it would be difficult but.. ut.. No! This was not supposed to be. I can’t. I can’t do it. More pictures and short memories were free to roam around in my head. More tears flooded my face. I saw her beautiful face and I saw her… I saw it all again… exactly what I never wanted to see… exactly what I was avoiding … It was scarred into my head. I saw her innocent face lying in a pool of her own blood in the middle of the kitchen. The image tormented me and haunted me. I threw out my hand and grabbed the handle, I threw back my shoulder and… The door slammed shut never to be opened again!