The Monster Inside Me

I had everything. Loving family, supportive friends, good grades, degree in ballet… etc. Not much, but there’s no shortage for anything. But life isn’t always perfect, especially when the monster inside you starts to show. I was at the dance studio half an hour earlier before the rehearsal starts. Determined to be the best as I got the first role for the upcoming ballet production “Swan Lake”. I got all the applause and compliments from all the musical directors and choreographers. Everything was meant to be, I was the brightest star. But life isn’t always fair.
The door cracked open as I was doing my last stretching before heading to the stage. The director walked in, along with another girl from the ensemble group. “Charlotte,” She said. “She will take the lead role from now on, you’ll be her backup,” the director continued. “Five minutes on stage. ” They went out the door. I was stunned. Everything happened in just a blink of an eye. I worked so hard for this role and everything was meant to be. I couldn’t accept the fact that someone is better than me. Someone that can make the choreographers and directors think for a second thought.
I wasn’t satisfied. I went up the stage and argued with the director. Thinking of something that could make him change his decision. “Your figure is not what we want for the role. ” I was beaten by that. Never in my life did someone actually point out my imperfection before. I thought I was perfect. I rushed to the toilet to hide my tears. I am strong, or in the other word, I was afraid to lose. High self-esteem is what I got since the day I was born. I highly believe that I was worth everything because I spent much of my time striving to achieve perfection in every aspect of my life.

What I did not realize was that in my desperate need to be perfect, I sacrificed the very body and mind that allowed me to live. I looked at myself in the mirror. The reflection of mine started to twist. I saw an ugly, worthless and hopeless girl. Her empty eyes weren’t showing anything but angers. Her body began to grow bigger and bigger. She seemed to be the brightest among all, but when the darkness comes, she’s nothing but an empty shell. From that day onwards, my life changed. I was never happy before. Jealousy was what controlling me. I felt very inadequate and unsuccessful.
I started to believe that my life was a failure. And what had caused it like this is no doubt but my weight. I had always been an average size. But I was convinced by my inner voice that I was overweight. I found myself involved in a competition again. But this time, I was competing against myself. I started of with a normal diet. Thought I’ll just lose a few pounds and everything will be okay. I was wrong. When the first pound was lost, I was addicted to the numbers on the scales. My mind became obsessed with beating my body at this game. Though I know I’m slowly killing myself, but jealousy was my biggest motivation.
I was dying to win my pride back and prove them wrong. I slowly cut back on what I eat each day. With every portion I didn’t finish or meal I skipped, I told myself that I was succeeding, and in turn, I felt good about myself. That was my darkest secret. I still join my family dinner. Just to avoid my family to notice my odd behaviour. But I felt disgusted and useless after every meal. I was then introduced to purging. Purging had sort of changed my life because I could eat what I want and what I had to do is just purge them out afterwards.
My parents had no idea that their loving and caring daughter is a total different soul now. Every time I finished meal I will make a beautiful excuse to my room. They had no idea what is happening behind that door. Toilet bowl and icy tiles was what I face every night. My reflection from the mirror is nothing but an empty soul. My eyes were like two empty holes burning in flames. I just want my role back. My inner voice told me that it will be worth it every time. There, I slide two fingers down my throat and began to purge out everything.
Not just the food I ate, but every bit of my soul. The monster inside me had taken over everything I had, purging out my original self. My mind was possessed by jealousy, anger and desperation, and I couldn’t help it. I was lost and desperately searching for the light at the end of the tunnel. Even so, I had never gave up my hope on ballet. I lost a lot of weight, losing more that I could have imagined. I just couldn’t control myself, my soul was lost, life was empty and I couldn’t figure out why. But my spirits were high and I was still so motivated and determined to get my role back.
I knew I still had to convince the directors that I was the main star. I saw my reflection on the mirror, I saw the beautiful me. One day before the show, I was on the backstage. Anxiously waiting for the right time like lion waiting for its prey. There she came, going down the stairs. My eyes were flaming. Jealousy had driven me to my limits, the limits where I could do everything just to get my role back. I have to vanish her. I was possessed by the monster inside me, I ran towards her in light speed and pushed her off the stairs with the last energy I reserved.
My heart was racing. She was admitted to the hospital. I have no regrets on what I’ve done. Never in my life that I was so happy by the feeling of winning. But I wasn’t me anymore, the bright and loving girl had completely turned into a devil. The feeling of snatching back of what belongs to me was what pleased me. I was insane. Standing on the stage, the lights were on me. I gave a revengeful smile to the directors and as soon as I finished my last step, I collapsed. Heart attack hits me. The sounds of sirens were apparent and soon after, I noticed a medic trying to resuscitate me.
I knew my time was done, my heart was failing. It was beating weaker. “Perfection, I finally found it. It was perfect. ” I saw my body, it was lying down on the ground like a doll. There were people mourning and weeping. At first, I couldn’t understand why. I saw more and more people, the people whom I recognized came over, filled with unbearable thoughts of sadness and grief. I knew then I was gone, I was no longer a part of this world. I thought I did what I had to do. In the end, I defeated the purpose and paid it with my life.