Your Shoes

Mum, why complain at something that you have caused yourself. Causing this by wanting me to be how your perfect child would be. Well, sorry to say, I am not what you want me to be.

You have been paying attention to yourself so much over the years you have actually forgotten what I am, brushing aside all the bad things I have done, making excuses for me.

I am alright. Living how I want things to be, to do what I want, when I want. This is life, a life that does not consider you in it at all. I can be myself, without being criticised.

Having what I want, instead of someone making choices for me. In actual fact it reminds me of the time you brought me those awful curtains, they just symbolise to me, what you like, I hated them, and the colours, the style I just see your face on them thinking yes these are perfect for me. Yes not me, you, perfect for you. Just think to yourself that we do not have the same tastes in life.

You just want to have everything going right. So you can make the family look good. So that whenever anybody comes round, they can comment on how, “you are the perfect family”. To make people jealous of what you want us to have, but we have not got it. You just want the family with a hard working father with a good job and income, Perfect mother with a good job and who keeps the house tidy and brings up the children to be well behaved and good mannered. With a child who does well at school, always polite and stays out of trouble, you would love that. You have got the father and the mother the child is a bit different, it is me and I am who I am, I do not put a happy face on just cause you want me to and I will express me feelings how I want to.

I am feeding myself alright I have a job and people are treating me with respect where I am now, like an adult, how people should be at my age. I feel responsible now, like I have a meaning in life. I am not into prostitution, and I can not believe you even fought that I would consider that path. Guess you just do not know me that well. I have got new friends now so I hope you are happy, what you have made me do, I have changed my lifestyle around. I am independent now, and happy if you saw me you would be proud but I do not want to see you, you just hurt me with thinking I am a failure all the time. Thinking I can not do anything and making me feel my life was worthless?

I smoked pot mum because you drove me to it, I was depressed and needed something to take my mind of things. Depressed to know every time I go home I have to act like somebody you want me to be. I have now turned my mind to different things now. I prefer happier things now like socialising without having to get drunk and making a fool out of myself. I prefer my own space, with people that like the things I do. I share a flat now with a girl a few years older than me and she is helping me out, and introducing me to her friends, which are all lovely genuine people.

The time father called me a slut was it, I know he may have been upset to find his daughter with condoms in her bag, but mum I had them to protect me, so I couldn’t get pregnant or get diseases, a step that only people that have matured would do, calling me a slut though he does not even know hat he is talking about I have only ever had sex with one person, not like I am going round sleeping with anybody. The person I had sex with as well was my boyfriend of six months, we had something special but I stopped the relationship to move on in life to get away from the misery of living life with you.

You just take the pain out on me because you think I am going to be like my grandmother, because that she liked me better than her own daughter. She paid more attention to me than you. You can not bear to think it but it is true and your father only paid interest into you when he found out you had a brain. I am thinking it must have been hard for you but you do not need to take the anger out on me, making me into the person that you just wanted to be when you was in your childhood.

All the parties mum is what a normal teenager does and get drunk because then they start to grow up more and realise this is not the life for me and change. It’s a thing that everybody does at some stage in there life. Some would think that you act like a teenager jealous of everything that is better than you. I have realised all these parties aren’t what I want to do I am now going to do a college course and study business studies. This is because I want to do something with my life and make a hit out of it so, if we meet again you and dad can be proud of what I have done.

Then if we meet that day you will see I am different to you, I have different ambitions. I like other things than having a simple life, like you. I want to be someone, and stand up and be counted for I want not just sit back and think, things are going to be alright all the time because nothing will ever be perfect.